The Kids Are Alright

It feels like somewhere in the span of time between when I left work this morning, and when I got home, my kids sprouted into teenagers. It seems like it was just yesterday that they were in elementary school, learning the fundamentals of readin’, writin’, and ‘rithmetic, and now they’re learning advanced algebra, studying physics, and dissecting things. Where does the time go?

Card Counting Teaches Important Math Skills

I’m incredibly proud of the people my three children have become. They are all extremely intelligent, exceedingly kind, and unfairly good-looking (though, considering their genetic stock, that part was inevitable). However, for all the traits they share, it’s been fascinating to watch as each grows into his or her own person, right before my eyes.

Take Luke, for example. The firstborn by only a few minutes, he’s grown into an amazing young man and a natural leader. People flock to him like bees to honey — they just seem to hang on every word he says. I credit his mom for that — while I’ve always been something of a socially awkward penguin, Dianna was the one with all the magnetism and people skills. However, he did inherit some of my mechanical aptitude, which has been a godsend. I’m sure it’s my fault for going cheap with a lot of the components our home was built from, but it seems things are breaking constantly. Fortunately, Luke enjoys fixing stuff possibly even more than I do, and he’s saved the family a fortune on repair bills. Now if I could just get him to mop up when he’s done. “Neat” is not a word in Luke’s vocabulary.

Luke Calls This “Moisture Farming.” I Raised Him Right.

He’s also become the de facto diplomat for the triplets. If they’ve decided they want something, and negotiation with the parental units is going to be required, they send in Luke. He’s just got something about him that makes him hard to say “no” to, and they fully take advantage of it. Smart kids.

If one of the kids is “the smart one,” though, it’s Leia. She can most often be found with her nose buried in a book, or leading one of the after-school study sessions where the triplets help each other with their homework. She’s probably turned out the most like me: maybe a bit on the introverted side, and her brain is running a thousand miles an hour all the time. She’s also showing some decidedly geeky tendencies as she grows up, sharing my love for all things space and sci-fi related. I really thought when she was younger that she was going to turn out like her mom and Luke was going to be just like me, but while Luke has become more and more “normal,” as he grows up, Leia has grown into a serious nerd. I mean, she’s got it bad: she even likes the odd-numbered Star Trek movies.

Fledgling Nerds in Their Natural Habitat

Then there’s Han. I’m going to preface this by saying that I absolutely adore my son, and he’s a wonderful person. However, while Luke and Leia can both be a bit moody — something I attribute to them being teenagers, and hope they’ll grow out of eventually — Han takes it to extremes. Trying to follow Han’s mood swings is like riding a roller coaster that likes to fly off the tracks at regular intervals. He is, as the school counselor likes to diplomatic put it, “a troubled boy.”

I feel for the kid. His frequent outbursts and inappropriate behavior can be very off-putting, and he’s had trouble making friends who can deal with them. As a result, he seems to have developed a tendency to just avoid people altogether, preferring instead to spend all his time at the computer, where he devotes a lot of time to writing. I was amazed recently when I struck up a discussion with him and he began telling me he’d actually finished several books, and used Amazon to self-publish them. He showed me his account page, and as it turns out, my kid is actually pulling in a pretty hefty income from what I thought was just a hobby. When I asked him what he spends it on, he wouldn’t tell me, but he’s definitely pulling in more than I was when he came into the world, which is pretty impressive for a teenager. He’s got my respect.

Starting His Next Bestseller

Ganymede: TNG

Han, Leia and Luke Revisit Their Past

The good thing about babies as that they grow up faster than you expect. That’s also one of the bad things about them.

I have to admit, though, that it’s been fascinating to watch my offspring mutate from wiggling, screaming little crap factories to walking, talking creatures with actual personalities of their own.

My Little Picasso

Take Han, for example. He’s like a little male version of his mom. Unlike his father, Han is creative as all hell, and quite the little artist. He’s obviously inherited his mother’s aptitude for music, and can keep himself entertained for hours just practicing away on his miniature violin, sometimes accompanying his mother while she plays on the piano or guitar. Lest you start thinking he’s a mama’s boy, though, he’s also the one of the three who seems to enjoy sports the most, so if I need a buddy to sit with me and watch the game on Sunday, Han’s my go-to guy.

If there’s something that’s going to hold Han back in life, it’s that he’s… well, a little odd. At times I’ve thought I was having a conversation with him only to discover he was actually talking to the chair I was sitting in, and he’s prone to extreme mood swings, which I think has made it a bit difficult for him to make friends. Fortunately, Luke and Leia are used to it, and quick to forgive his all-too-frequent tantrums. The triplets are all very close.

Holding a Symposium on Gorn Vasculature

Luke, on the other hand, is my mini-me. Not only does he look the most like his father, but he’s also probably the most likely to grow up to be a nerd. During homework sessions, he’s typically the one at the head of the table helping the other two get through their math assignments, whether they need the help or not. When Dianna and I invite our nerdier friends over, Luke’s able to hold conversations on the internal temperature of a taun-taun or the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow with an ease far beyond his minimal years, whether the swallow be African or European.

Like many geeks, however, Luke has a total lack of ability or interest when it comes to things like social propriety, and sometimes hygiene. Getting him to take a shower is like pulling teeth that haven’t been brushed all week, and chances are if you’re smelling something really foul at the dinner table, it came from somewhere just behind Luke. I can only hope that when Luke gets older, he finds himself a girl with no sense of smell whose idea of a good time is following some guy around the house cleaning up after him.

The Student Has Become the Master

Last, but certainly not least, there’s Leia. I don’t think there’s anything this girl can’t do. She’s frighteningly smart, a whiz with the computer, and seems to want to learn everything there is to know about everything. Of the three, she’s probably the closest thing to a perfect blend of her mother and me: she somehow managed to pick up my aptitude for logic and deep thinking and love of burying my nose in a book, but without inheriting my awkward social skills.

As smart as her siblings are, to this point Leia’s the only one who’s beat me at chess, and as much as I hate to admit it, she’s done it quite a few times. When she does, though, she is always gracious about it, and gives me tips on what I could do better next time in a way that doesn’t make me feel like I’m being lectured. It’s no wonder she’s turned out to be the most popular with the kids at school; she’s just got a way with people that she must have inherited from her mother, because she certainly didn’t get it from me.

If the day comes when I have to hand off the reigns of the Ganymede empire to one of my kids, assuming there’s an empire to hand off when the time comes, I suspect Leia’s hands will be the ones it all gets passed to.

The Scent of a Nerd

My first day started as well as I could have hoped. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and the yogurt and orange juice I’d picked up from a convenience store the night before were a little warm, but not at all rancid, as far as I could tell. It’s been a couple days now and I havent projectile vomited once, so I’m calling Monday’s breakfast a success.

The Most Important Meal of the Day

My little patch of grass is actually pretty comfortable. After some strategic dumpster diving and the occasional garage sale item within my extremely meager budget, I’ve managed to scrounge up enough stuff to subsist relatively comfortably, considering I’m living on a lawn without water or electricity. I even managed to find a really nice bed and a refrigerator in perfect working order for dirt cheap at an estate auction. The bed’s really comfy — enough so that I hardly ever think about the fact that somebody very likely died in it. The fridge is also going to be the biggest score ever as soon as I find a way to plug it in.

Eat? Check. Sleep? Check.

A few of the comforts of modern living are noticeably absent, however. Plumbing, as it turns out, is less a luxury than a necessity when you need to work around people with noses all day. I learned that, rather embarrassingly, my first day, when I noticed that people were making really disgusted faces every time they passed the cubicle I’ve been assigned. On the bright side, the place is chock-full of geeks, so the musky aroma of body odor is sort of everywhere. I’m not even sure anybody knew for certain how much of it was coming from me.

Splish Splash

Never let it be said that I’m not resourceful, though. I managed to find a gym nearby that, as a minor miracle would have it, has a loading dock out back that they leave open most of the day. With a little patience and timing, it’s very possible to use that as a back door into the gym, which just happens to have some really nice bathrooms with showers and toilets and soap and everything. As long as I don’t get caught, it should leave me smelling good enough before I leave for the office that my co-workers can take the clothespins off their noses when they walk by me without passing out.

The Gym: It’s Not Just for Bathing Any More

Speaking of work: it’s amazing. All day I’m surrounded by astronauts, rocket scientists, and all the equipment that goes with them. I’m in geek heaven. I’ve been reading all the manuals, schematics, and even marketing literature that I can get my hands on, and learning as much as I can about everything around here — not just because I’m a nerd, and it’s fascinating to me, but because I want the upper brass to know that if anyone has a question, I’ve got the answers. I’ve even been working out at the gym before my morning showers so I can be sure I’m capable of handling all the physical requirements to wear the space suit. I don’t just want to be prepared; I want my name to be the one that management thinks of when they’re looking for someone who deserves a shot at being Open Space’s next astronaut.

T Minus One Day and Counting

On my last day of freedom before rejoining the workforce, I found myself with too much to do and not nearly enough time to do it. For starters, I really want to impress my new bosses. I spent a good amount of my Sunday at the local library, reading anything I could get my hands on that was even slightly related to Open Space’s business. Fortunately, the library’s really well-stocked, and I can now rattle off the pros and cons of solid vs. liquid rocket fuel, I have a rough idea of how to re-calibrate a satellite transmitter in zero-G, and I can tell you which nearby galaxies are most likely to have planets supporting sexy green female life forms. Extra points if they’re possibly bipedal.

“Next, Insert Rocket Booster F into Command Module G”

Since I’m also going to be living off the land for a while, I also did a little reading up on local flora and fauna (so I know what I can eat and what might eat me), perusing maps of the area (so I know where to find all the stuff I won’t be able to get at home), and researching land deeds. That last one was particularly interesting, as it showed no clear ownership history for a very large piece of land on the north side of town. After an hour or two digging through everything I could find about adverse possession laws, I’m now pretty confident that, as long as the cops don’t run me off within the first several years, I might just have found a place I can call home.

The Green, Green Grass of Home?

It’s really a gorgeous spot, with moss-covered willow trees and a creek running along one edge of the property. It’s the kind of place that inspires daydreams of drifting on rafts, cool mint juleps, and big white plantation-style houses with wrap-around porches. I don’t know why someone hadn’t snatched this land up long before I got here, but maybe this is just where I was meant to be. I mean, I’m not one to typically believe in things like fate, but right now I’m willing to consider the idea that maybe I deserve a little paradise in my life.

It’s been a long but educational day, this last Sunday before starting my new life. I’ve been so buried in books all day that I didn’t realize what time it was until they started turning off the lights in the library. Tomorrow, a new day dawns: the first day of my journey to the stars.

Closing Down the Library. I’m a Wild Man.

The Stars Await

Hello, internet. My name is Apollo, and I’m a nerd.

No, I don’t wear a pocket protector, and my glasses aren’t quite as thick as Coke bottles, but trust me; my credentials are legit. My best friend is a computer, a rousing game of chess is my idea of a good time, and I can recite all of the dialog from Monty Python and the Holy Grail by heart. You may have also noted I have the pasty white complexion of a man who rarely sees sunlight first-hand.

Sunday in the Park with… a Random Chess Player

So, why am I spending my days meandering aimlessly around this verdant wonderland, you ask? I’m glad you did. Have you heard of Open Space? They’re a private company that’s doing all kinds of nerdy things, like building rockets and flying people into space and stuff… right up my geeky little alley. When I heard they were hiring new interns, I naturally submitted a resume. I was as surprised as anyone when they called me back and said they’d like to set up an interview.

If I was incredulous when they said they wanted to talk to me, I was absolutely floored when they offered me a job. It’s not much — just a low-paying grunt-level position — but it’s kind of a dream job. I just couldn’t pass it up.

Not Quite Willing to Believe the Job Offer

I immediately quit my job, moved my butt out to Willow Creek, and accepted the position. Never mind that I’ve got $35 to my name, nowhere to live, and I’m not sure how I’ll manage to find a shower before I start work on Monday; this is exciting stuff. As long as I’m not sucked to death by mosquitoes while I sleep on the most comfortable patch of grass I can find, I’d say my future looks pretty bright.

Speaking of bright, you should see the stars out here at night, this far away from the city. They’re pretty amazing. I can’t wait to visit them.